“What does that building say?”
“I don’t know…”
“Can you not see it or are you too busy texting?”
“I can’t see it, and I’m kind of tipsy-“
“-and you’re texting. Can you STOP texting for once?! You’re the one who set this up!”
The three of us, our glorified tripod of friendship, drove cautiously (Angelica was the sober driver) around a dimly lit neighborhood we’ve never visited before with one objective in mind: have our fortunes read by this psychic we found online for Angelica’s birthday. After a couple of minutes of aimless wandering, we find the psychic’s house. Oh yeah, we went to HER place for the fortune reading appointment.
It first started off with tarot card reading. Prior to graduating high school awhile back, a good friend of mine gave me a tarot card reading. It wasn’t a good reading. After my freshman year of college passed I came back home for the summer, I met back up with my tarot card reading friend to tell her just how the reading was true. It was one hell of an emotional year.
Years pass and I pick up card reading on my own, using traditional playing cards to read fortunes for myself and others. Then this past birthday came and I received a set of travel sized tarot cards from another good friend (Angelica). That’s when tarot reading became a norm for our tripod, reading each others’ fortunes whenever we hung out on the weekends. Then Angelica had her birthday and I had the idea of booking an appointment with an actual psychic.
We’re welcomed into the psychic’s house and individually have our readings done in private. Angelica goes first, so Reiki and I stay back in the living room and watch reruns of Law and Order: Criminal Intent (apparently Jeff Goldblum was the lead actor for awhile). After Angelica’s reading, I go into the backroom for mine.
I take a seat and the psychic (Sonia) starts shuffling her cards, asking me to cut the pile and to make separate piles accordingly. She starts drawing the cards and the illustrations illicit curiosity within me; illustrations of colors in varying patterns. That’s when she states that I’m not from San Antonio.
“No, I’m not from here.”
“They’re telling me you traveled here and…you’re not happy here.”
Oh shit.
“You’re not happy here…and you’ve been pushed, or contemplated leaving.”
Uh huh.
“But they’re saying…to stay. You have to stay because…you’re learning; you’re going through a growing process and it involves the emotional stress and pain you’re going through.”
Hah…well then.
The reading continues and she touches on how it’s been an emotional roller coaster ride for me since coming to San Antonio. After explaining how the “emotional journey” has been necessary, that’s when she says,
You are going to be a very powerful man.
Wow. Really? Really? That’s what the guides, the spirits? That’s what they’re saying?
I was speechless. I was in awe. She had me hooked. She considered herself to be a rather powerful person, but in comparison to what I was going to become, she was a “small fry.”
I’ve never been the best at believing in myself, but I’ve always been damn sure of what I want to do with my life. It’s a pipe dream; a long stretch; crazy but it’s what I want to do. Ever since realizing the dream, I’ve been so hell bent on leaving behind a legacy. Others say they believe in me; only a few actually do, and I feel it.
The next big thing (two conjoined) that she touched on was loving myself and others. She mentioned how I needed to put myself on a pedestal. Throughout my life, I’ve always put others before me just for the sake of doing good to others. But as soon as she finished that reading, a confused look grew upon her face.
“Despite that…they’re also saying to continue loving. Don’t stop loving the way you love.”
She explained how, despite how I needed to put myself on a pedestal, I had to continue loving the way I do because that is what makes me who I am; that is what keeps me sane. It’s how I’m programmed to function. I couldn’t help but tear up a little because I’ve always felt conflicted on the subject. Conflicted because I didn’t think I was capable of loving myself as consistently as I love others and act upon that love.
“And now that has to go both ways. Meaning, don’t deny whatever love comes your way. You don’t get to decide where that love comes from. Just accept love wherever it may find you.”
…heh. We don’t get to decide where love comes from…that’s true, attested by the past years. After spending so much time fighting with myself on where love should come from, who it should come from… It made life feel a little simpler hearing how we don’t get to decide where love comes from. It just mattered that we accepted it or not, and for my own sake, I should always accept it, especially as one that constantly gives.
I don’t know if it correlates or not, but in some weird abstract way, it makes sense to me that I’m selfish about where love comes from. Maybe because, to make up for the lack of love for one’s self, we work more to love others and to show that love, like a textbook display of insecurity. And through that we seek validation in the way we give of ourselves to others. But as soon as loves comes our way – especially from a source we don’t want – we shut down. We romanticize this scenario of where love should come from when we should just be happy with the love that we already have and receive.
Sonia mentioned numerous informative things during the reading, but it was the last reading that tied it all together.
“They’re saying…that you’re going through a catalytic moment right now. That this whole experience has been an extreme awakening of the mind and soul.
Hell yeah I was going through a catalytic moment. Everything that’s been on my mind and kept me up at night, all the feelings that I’ve been feeling up to that very point, it’s all been touched on and mentioned by this complete stranger…and somehow I found comfort in that. Somehow, because all of this came from a complete stranger, it made me believe it even more. The funny thing was that everything she mentioned to me, I already knew to some extent. They were already things that I believed in or preached or strive to live by…yet it made an even deeper impact all because it came from a psychic I found online just the day before.
I find myself wanting to continue writing, but I don’t know what else to say. I feel like I’ve exhausted all that I could with the whole experience. If there’s anything I could leave you with, it’s to love yourself and to accept love wherever it finds you.
Jerico J Says 