Short Goober

I’m a short guy; I’m 5’6.

I’m saying that in contrast to the average height of the American (white male) which is 69.7 inches or 5 foot 10 inches. From that (obviously) Google search alone, I found out that the average height for a Filipino male my age is 5 foot 4 inches, so that makes me feel slightly better, but the reality I live in is American (that sounds oddly patriotic and I did not intend that) and with all the numbers in the world here and there, I’m fucking short. I’m actually the shortest of my male friends.

Me with my male friends. My Doggs.

But that has never discouraged me from going on about my daily life. Hell, it could be a lot worse. And it’s really not that big of a deal or a complex to get over because there’s really no problem there. It never has been a problem…till one day.

Let’s add some context:

I fucking love Goober.

Each jar is a lovechild, with its parents proudly displayed on the packaging.

You don’t know what Goober is? It’s that lazy magical deliciousness that comes in a jar with 2/3 peanut butter and 3/2 jelly (those numbers check out) made by Smuckers. Yeah, the shit you had in your PB&J sandwiches when you were a kid? Yeah, that shit. I still buy that as a 27-year-old tax, rent, and bill paying male.

How I feel sometimes. Minus the Doritos, I don’t really care for Doritos.

WELL…

One day as I was grocery shopping, I came upon the beloved aisle that housed the peanut butter and jelly products, and ultimately, some fuckin’ Goober. It was late morning so there was already a bit of a crowd at the grocery store, and choosing the nicer location in the senior living residential area over the slightly more ghetto one closer to me, didn’t help. AARP senior citizens galore crowded the aisles and this aisle was no exception. Along with the AARPABC123DoReMi crowd, there was a grocery staff member stocking some products. Right next to this staff member was ma fuckin’ Goober.

So I skipped to my Lucy Liu with a grocery cart in hand and paused at the sight of severe adversity: There were no more grape jelly Goober, only strawberry. 

Who the hell eats strawberry jelly? You know who? NO ONE. And if you do, you don’t. Because you don’t. And I said so.

But just as I was about to admit defeat, I saw it: one last grape jelly Goober.

I couldn’t reach it.

 

Captured photo of me not reaching the grape jelly Goober.

 

The Goober stood on the second highest shelf and if fully stocked, I could reach the first or second jar after. The last grape jelly Goober was pushed all the way to the back of the shelf aka the depths of the lone survivor aka the no man’s land and that man is me myself and I.

The strawberry jelly Goober side was stocked. Fully stocked. With the lone grape jelly Goober looking like he walked into a Trump rally and he’s a gay (I’m an ally I swear) black man (#BlackLivesMatter) with a doctorate in humanities. The strawberry jelly outnumbered the grape, 23409892638782034 to 1.

I looked to the side and saw the employee stocking. A quick look at his cart and boxes of products, I saw no grape jelly Goober. A quick look at the out of the reach grape jelly Goober and I craved it more. So I walk up to the guy, about to ask for his assistance and then I realized…

I’m a grown ass man asking another grown ass man for some Goober that I can’t reach.

 

Me, Myself, and I asking the stocker for help.

 

If I need a spotter at the gym, that’d be okay. Or even something simple like asking for the time or what aisle the pasta noodles are in. But not ‘hey can you reach the last grape Goober for me?’ I look back and forth at the grape Goober and the stocker. I weigh the pros and cons of it all and ultimately…

I grab the strawberry Goober. I let my pride come between me and grape Goober. And I ate that strawberry Goober…but I wasn’t happy.

Shameless Plug Tuesday: Japan Trend Shop

I love Japan. I miss Japan. Japan is my home. In a way, Japan life is the only kind of life I know.

But now that I’m in America, I miss a few things here and there that you can only find in Japan. But thanks to a ridiculous website that you’ll probably spend way too much time on the internet window shopping and probably spending your entire salary on…I CAN HAVE A PIECE OF JAPAN WITH ME!

This + alcohol = stupid fun drinking game.

Or two. Or three. Or a whole shelf of Japan…or a room…you get the idea.

This ridiculous site I speak of is Japan Trend Shop. They have been around for a while and have created quite a buzz since their incarnation as a private company in 2001. Then on 2007, JTS was incorporated as part of its legal parent OctoTrade Co., Ltd. Below is a section from their About page:

“Inspired by the innovative spirit of Japanese manufacturers we made it our mission to bring these incredible products to the rest of the world.”

Now Japan is usually known for their innovative designs, cool and hip gadgets, advanced technology, and of course, the cooky “weird” Japanese style humor added to their products. You can see perfect examples of all those things on this website.

Remember how I talked about me going gay for bath stuffs? Yeah…I want this, no scratch that, NEED THIS. NAO!

Because of their typical “weird cooky” humor, many foreigners look at Japan as a joke. I happen to appreciate their sense of humor, in fact, I find it better than most western society humor. Along with their humor, their sense of ingenuity and innovative thinking is what drives such a technology driven society as a leader in the field of technology. I mean seriously, hands down, a good majority of the products you find on this website you’ll never see in America. Nor would most Americans even THINK to implement them.

Having lived in Japan and bought similar products, I know for a fact that most of these are overpriced. But of course that’s given with shipping and handling, which all these products are shipped from Japan…so it makes sense, you know? But is it worth it?

I go to sleep with something similar to this shining on my ceiling…and HYFR the $70 and some change was totally worth it.

HELL YEAH IT IS!

Now don’t go crazy and spend all your money. I don’t want to be the reason why you’re in dept and that you woke up in a bathtub full of ice one morning with giant stitches in your chest and you find a car battery strapped to your waist and wired into your body and that you have to constantly keep a fast heart rate going so that you can manage to stay alive because if you don’t you die.

So go and check it out, and please browse with spending caution.

A grenade alarm clock that shuts off after being thrown…A GRENADE ALARM CLOCK! Wake up like Jack Bauer every morning!

For more Shameless Plug Tuesday posts, click here!